Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Earth is 6000 Years Old!

The earth is 6000 years old!

That’s what I’m told by learned men of much faith and the women who love them, but the women are pretty busy having babies, so they mostly just nod their heads, in a distracted, impatient, helpless, sort of way, and then rush off to do more diapers and wipe runny noses, praising the LORD as they dash down the hallway, fixing their hair on the way and planning the next dinner when the preacher comes over for a visit, a strategy meeting, to coordinate the culture wars and fight all the bad people who refuse to believe the truth. I mean to tell you, it’s all out war. If we’re not careful, pretty soon there won’t be any Christmas left and heathens will be in the White House, if not there already.

Anyway, getting back to the age of the earth ...

Maybe the earth is 8000 years old, some learned men of much faith have said - so, what’s a few more thousand years in this whole business when what really counts is that the whole of it, all of it, every bit of it, from top to bottom, is stage decoration for you and me, the crown of creation, the image of God, the sum and substance of it all, sinners, most surely, but for the chosen of God, no problem. Of this sin business, no big deal, because God sent his only Son to take care of it, to wrap it up on the cross, and tuck it way in the tomb, and then rose up on Easter just to dust himself off and get on with the task of ascending to heaven to prepare the way for us, because this world isn’t our home; we don’t really belong here. We came from the heavenly celestials, and we’re here for awhile to make this earth behave and produce a mighty crop for us, and then when we die, we’re wafted off to heaven to be with Jesus. What a grand idea. You’d think we’d all be eager to get there, but if we can afford it, we buy long-term health care. Go figure. Oh well ...

Now about those sinners ...

Not everyone will make it, of course, and that’s okay … we pray for them and do some good for them, but mostly, to hell with them. That’s just the way it is. How good it is. All glory to God.

But getting back to the age of the earth ...

The whole thing is a set up to showcase us, the image of God, as the Bible says so, and the learned men of great faith and the women who love them. Just us, the crown of creation, as I said a moment ago.

Now there are learned men who say something different, and their women offer a different image as well, but for now, all that we need to know is that they’re liars, servants of Satan, men and women of evil intention; as best as I can figure it, they’ve been deceived by studying the rocks and fossils and the stars above and the deeps of the seas. 

Why, any fool can look at this stuff and see the mighty hand of God setting it all up for us, and God was in hurry to see us, to admire us, the crown of creation, so God didn’t waste any time putting it together.

Millions of years?


No way … didn’t take that long, because God was in a hurry to see us, and from the 6th day of creation, or if you’re reading Genesis 2, the first day before most everything else, we’ve been here, having things pretty much our way, and if any thing gets in our way, we move it; if it’s a buffalo, we kill it. If it’s one of them sinners, not chosen by God, we go to war and bomb the hell of them, or at least try. But hell is tenacious - kinda makes me angry when I think about - it seems that all the bombs in the world never quite finish hell off. What a pity, though its fun and patriotic and deeply spiritual to give it a try. I suppose one of these days we may just build a bomb big enough to bomb the hell out of the world. Oh, what day of rejoicing that will be.

Anyway, here we are - 6000 years old, or maybe 8000, but no more or no less, as learned men of great faith tell us, and the women who love them.

Perhaps the reader has already discerned the inspiration behind this brief essay about the age of the earth: Mark Twain's yummy little "The Damned Human Race," part 1, "Was the World Made for Man?"